First Day of School

Sam has a sweet way of keeping us grounded. He really is a "glass half full" sort of a kid. He is almost always happy and supportive. That is why it is so funny the way he will make sweet comments that are a bit disconcerting. Allow me to illustrate: When we travel on a plane he will say, "I love you. I hope your plane doesn't come crashing down out of the sky." or if Ted goes for a bike ride he will say, "Bye, dad. I hope you don't crash your bike." When Ted is in a bike race he will say, "I hope you don't lose and come in last."


It isn't that he is being sarcastic or mean - he genuinely is hoping for the best things, but it just doesn't quite come out right.


This summer was crazy. Lots going on. On any given day there were between 6 and 11 kids here at any one time. It was crazy. I tried to control it. I tried to limit it. I tried to have fun activities to keep everyone busy, but towards the end it was pure chaos. I admit it. I had lost it. I knew I had lost it when I came into the kitchen and found 6 new cups being used to get water - only to add to the 12 that were already out. I knew I had lost it when I started yelling, "paper cups!!", and the kids knew I had lost it too.


When the last day of summer was ending and I took the last of the kids home (9 including my 4 had been at the house that day) I asked Sam a rhetorical question. Mostly I was thinking out loud. I said, "Oh- am I just the meanest mom ever?" Sam politely sat in the back of the car and said, "Yes. You are. Sometimes you aren't, but most of the time you are." As I looked at him in amazement, he happily turned to me and said, "You're welcome for being honest!"


I knew without a doubt I was ready for school to start.



My heart just melts seeing them on the first day - mostly because I can see from previous year's pictures how much they have grown, and it is going by too quickly. Try as I might to keep them little, they still manage to grow up. I cannot believe that Emma is starting Junior High, but she is ready. Linc is loving fourth grade. This year he is in a third/fourth grade combo class. His favorite part? That he gets to eat lunch first before the other fourth grade classes. Sam loves being in first grade. He loves the full day. He loves being a "big" kid. His biggest challenge? Resisting the urge to fill his pockets to overflowing with all the rocks he finds on the playground.

Tessa is as mad as ever that she can't ride the bus, too. However, being the only kid to run errands with mom has its perks!


How am I doing? I miss them, but they were ready. Truth be told, I was ready. I love their school. I love that I'm not all alone yet and there is still one child to cuddle in the mornings. I love the quiet of the mornings after everyone has safely gotten off to school. I love grocery shopping with only one child. I love cleaning a room and knowing it might stand a chance of staying clean for a few hours. I love not hearing "I'm bored." At this point I don't even mind the homework. I love hearing the bus pull up and knowing that the chaos will begin again - after all that quiet I'm ready for it all to get crazy again. I love hearing the door open and the first thing out of anyone's mouth is a loud "Mom?" I love it. I love school.


You're welcome for being honest.

Can you hear the singing?

Do you hear the Allelujah chorus coming from Boise? Do you hear the shouts of joy? Our kitchen is done. Can you believe it? Our three week minor remodel is done after only eight months? Seroiusly, we signed the original contract for this to be started on November 13th. It was supposed to be done three weeks later with a back up date of December 18th. Here we are in July, and he finished on Monday the 6th.

Now we have a cabinet door on every opening. Each drawer has a handle. We can sit at our table and no one has to climb in over chairs to get seated. Here are a few before and after pictures. I don't know why, but these pictures make the cabinets look more red than they actually are.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

We were fortunate that our kitchen has been functional for most of the time. We never had to wash dishes in the tub or anything like that, and the changes over the last six weeks have been small at best. We started out just changing the island and counters, but then it expanded into new cabinet doors and a new hood. Despite it being relatively small, it feels like an enormous weight has been lifted. No more wondering when it will be done. No more accommodating schedules to meet workers. No more exposed garbage cans, tupperware, and kids' cups. No more reaching in through the bottom of the cabinet to try and push out a drawer because there was no drawer handle on it.

Now as we look at other projects we have been contemplating we find ourselves thinking, "Nah. We can live with it!"

They're back!

I took this photo of Ted and Sam because I thought it was so sweet how Sam gets so excited each week to help Ted mow the lawn. Tessa just follows them around too. However, I am publishing this picture because Ted's nemeses have returned. If you look between the lawnmower and Sam you can see the holes in the lawn. We have trapped, flooded, poisoned, and even blown up these holes hoping to eradicate the gophers. But to no avail. They are back. Their holes are destroying our lawn. I am ready to give up. The point goes to the gophers in my book. I don't ask Ted about it. I know it makes him crazy, and what is he going to do about it? What is the next step after blowing them up????

Moab

It was awesome! I never cease to be amazed at how beautiful those red rocks, cliffs, hikes, and arches are. It is simply amazing. It was so fun hanging out with everyone from the Wagner side of the family. We simply loved this trip and had a wonderful time - can't wait until next year!

We also want to let everyone know how much we appreciate their help when our stupid car wouldn't start. From the kids being farmed out to other cars, the late night drive to Salina and back, and emotional support through a rocky ride home.....we genuninely appreciate it from the bottom of our hearts. We love you all. If only we could rewrite the story a bit and change mom and dad's car being hit. I am just so grateful no one was hurt. Love you all.

Ode to the Crib

Man I love this crib. It has gone through four kids, seven moves, three states, and countless teeth have been cut on this thing. It has been painted, mended, and loved from the start. I love this crib. I've learned several things from this crib:

1. The crib is a great place for your baby to make sure they are nestled safe and sound and that they get a good night's sleep.

2. The crib is a great place for your baby to make sure they are contained to make sure mom and dad get a good night's sleep.

3. Kids can climb and jump higher than I think. As I am sure every parent has experienced, there comes a point where your child will fall, climb, stand, and jump to escape the crib. With each experience we lower the mattress and pray for a bit more time with our beloved crib. Which brings me to my final lesson.

4. Where there is a will there is a way.

I don't know if you can tell from the picture, but the side of the crib has been kicked off by Tessa. It is being held up by the ties on the bumper.

Goodbye crib. Hello extended bedtime routine. Hello mid-night awakenings for a drink of water. Hello new freedom for an active two-year-old.

Man I miss that crib.

Really??!!

This past month has absolutely flown by. So many fun things have begun. Emma and Lincoln started swim team again. Sam is in swim lessons. We are all doing more bike riding. Ted is gearing up for his bike races. Tessa is in a big girl bed. Emma is in Young Women's. Sammy lost his first tooth.

Life is great, and we are loving it.

However, lest we get too comfortable there will always be a few things that make you stop and say, "REALLY??!!" And just to be clear, I am not saying this in a tone of, "that is great" or "I can't believe it." Rather, it is more a tone of "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????"

Example: In our kitchen there were four cabinets that were cut to the wrong size. Send them back, re-order them again, wait the two weeks to have them built, another week for the staining, glazing, blah, blah, blah....and then finally? Ah.....the day arrives. The cabinet installer gets here with beautiful doors. I could almost cry. The kitchen is so close to being done. The next words from his mouth should be "Ta-Da!!!" Instead, a cry of anguish. The doors that were too narrow are now the right width, but they are two inches too short. REALLY??!!!

Second example: We have mostly switched from ground beef to ground turkey. As I thawed some meat for dinner I ran outside to grab something. In that brief moment Tessa opened the microwave, reached in, and grabbed a handful of raw ground turkey. Being poultry I called poison control. No need to panic. Just spend the next 24 to 72 hours watching for signs of salmonella poisoning. REALLY??!!! (She is okay by the way).

Last example: At any given point in the day you will probably hear kids running around, doors being opened and closed as kids are in and out, music playing, and occasionally some TV. What you will also hear is a constant "THUD" as a narcissistic bird runs into our window. I'm not exaggerating when I say he does this about 200 times a day. When you look in from the window there is a mirror. I can only imagine that each time he makes an attempt at the window he is thinking "this time I'll make it to that good looking bird!" I have resorted to closing our dining room drapes in an effort to dissuade him. No such luck. the drapes make the window an even bigger mirror. The thuds continue incessantly. I can usually tune him out, but at 6:00 in the morning I begin dreaming of Red Ryder BB guns. Whether the bird is just dumb or narcissistic you find yourself thinking "REALLY??!!"

Here he is waiting for his next attempt...

And making another attempt. Stupid bird.

Life keeps us guessing, doesn't it?

By the way, I'm the new girl's camp director - REALLY??!!

Sad Goodbyes and Remembering

This is somehow therapeutic for me. This blog serves as my family's history - and she is a part of that.

It has been almost four years since we met.

It has been almost nine months since she went back to work and begn a messy divorce.

It has been four and a half months since she called me in the middle of the night telling me her son Lincoln's age was on our doorstep so she could take her other son to the hospital since he was having a hard time breathing. No questions, no explanations, and that was the way it should be.

It has been since the end of March that she really started to feel like the world was caving in on her.

It has been 10 days since I hugged her as she wished me a happy birthday and handed me a package delivered to her house since I was gone.

It has been 7 days since I emailed her.

It has been 7 days since she emailed me back telling me her schedule and saying she would be in touch. Instead of her signature "Keep smiling" sign off, it was "Love you."

It has been 7 days since I dismissed concerns in my head.

It has been 7 days since she died.

It has been 6 days since a friend she was supposed to meet called police when she didn't show up.

It has been 6 days since I pulled into my driveway, saw the cars, and knew.

It has been 2 days since her funeral. And that felt wrong.

It has been 1 day since her boys played over here - and that felt right.

It has been 35 minutes since I last wept for her.

There are many more questions than answers. More "what if" scenarios playing through my mind than anything else. More people wanting answers and not finding them. More people wanting to blame someone - and not knowing who to blame. I am sure that somehow and someday everyone will find peace, because life moves forward, but not yet.

Cassandra was always out with the kids playing in the yard, hanging out with all of us as we watched the kids, making smores in her firepit, laughing, smiling - she had an infectious smile, and driving around in her big Suburban as her tiny body barely saw over the steering wheel. She was an amazing tennis player, always remembered birthdays - the whole family's, took the kids skiing, ice skating, and she would take the kids swimming even when I couldn't go with her. Whenever she saw Tessa she was reaching out to hold her and kiss her. When I went to the gym she would find me to say hello and chat for a bit - then she would go to the child care center to see Tessa again. All of the kids adored her. When we had struggles we would talk together and cry together. When we had successes she was the first to congratulate and celebrate. She made a mean lasagna - it was my favorite. Every Christmas Eve she brought over homemade cinnamon rolls for us to bake on Christmas morning.

And she has two terrific young boys who we took swimming yesterday - they were smiling, laughing, playing, and reminding me what is right.

Today was a beautiful day. Perfect weather. Perfect temperature. She would have loved it. She would have been out in her tennis skirt playing with the kids. The sun was setting behind the bluff, and it was beautiful. I couldn't resist taking a million pictures. Emma and Tessa sat and played with the grass.

Sam, Lincoln, and Ted jumped on the trampoline.

Tessa ventured over to the slide. We had root beer floats and the kids wore ice cream mustaches. It felt right.

As I sit her writing, I realize how many problems there were, and I didn't know how bad it was. I also realize just how many wonderful memories I have of her. She was my neighbor and my friend. I mourn this loss for myself, for my kids, and most of all for her kids. Will they ever know how much she adored them?

I will remember her always. We will have "Cassandra" rolls on Christmas morning. I will remember her smile. I will find joy in her boys being over here and reminding me that life moves forward. I will remember how blessed I am to have the gospel in my life. I will soak in and try to memorize every minute with my children and my sweet husband. I will strive to have people remember me for my smile the way I will remember her. I have been blessed in my life to have known her, and I know I am blessed beyond measure. My cup truly runneth over.

I will remember this..........and this feels right.